IS THIS THE REAL TRUTH BEHIND THE STORY?
Dedicated to: Helen, Ian, Lou, Dave, Brian and Geoff
By Chris McDermott
Some, but by no means all of us, know the truth behind a Watford Writers meeting in 2023. The meeting was arranged to feature a guest speaker, a crime and thriller writer. She attended the meeting, giving a very engaging presentation, which was much appreciated by her audience. They were spellbound by her ideas, becoming fully engaged with the psychology which motivates any evil killer. But what is the real inspiration behind her plots?
On the surface, the meeting was going smoothly. However, behind the scenes, Helen, and others ‘in the know’, had discovered that the real purpose of the presentation was to give ‘The Credit Card Killer’ access to ‘Watford Writers’.
But who is ‘The Credit Card Killer’? Like many killers he has an obsession, and, in his case, it is with his ‘alliteraphobia’, a fear of alliteration. In an attempt to conquer this, the killer, the author’s husband, takes pride in his own title, ‘The Credit Card Killer’, which is known only to himself and his spouse. As we all know, alliteration is the occurrence of the same letter or sound at the beginning of adjacent or closely connected words. By being the embodiment of an alliteration himself, ‘The Credit Card Killer’, is able to ‘fight his phobia’, yet another example of the case in point.
On the evening, Helen’s fears were realised, when it was announced that the author’s husband would attend at the end of the meeting. This had not been clear to her before. Realising that it would take a brave soul to meet ‘The Credit Card Killer’ outside, Helen looked around the audience for volunteers. Chris, who had claimed to be ‘Courageous Chris’, showed his true colours as ‘Cowardly Chris’ by doing his impression of a Premier League footballer, complaining that he had ‘an upset tummy’, while holding his head – more practice needed there, perhaps.
Helen had to call on someone in her hour of need. Who better than ‘Daring Dave’, the firefighter, whose bravery, on behalf of the public, had been witnessed over many years? So Dave was chosen. Stepping outside the room, possibly for the last time, he went out on to the street to greet the potential assassin, while the meeting continued.
But why should ‘Watford Writers’ be chosen by ‘The Credit Card Killer’, you may ask? The answer, of course, is in the question. ‘Watford Writers’, with its alliterative title, presented a threat which, despite his attempts to resist his obsessive ‘alliteraphobia’, the killer could not ignore. Having chosen to live in ‘Hemel Hempstead’ as a way of combatting his fears, he could not tolerate having outsiders from a nearby town, threatening his well-being.
Helen was relieved when Dave returned, together with the potential assassin. But she noted that, despite it being a warm summer’s evening, the intruder was dressed in a coat, perhaps to conceal his weapon of choice, his credit card machine. At that moment, Helen knew that one of the writers was doomed, but being ‘Honourable Helen’, was too polite to say anything.
But how was the assassination to take place? The method was simple, but highly effective. The credit card reader had been constructed so that a mere ‘tap and go’ would produce an electric shock, ending the life of ‘the tapper’. ‘Tap and go’ would send them to a far darker place, than even the most unfriendly of local banks.
Then came the moment of truth. The author started selling her books, with most people presenting her with cash. Some were considering the credit card option, but, for some mysterious reason, the card machine would not work. The killer himself thought this was down to a problem with the internet connection, but this was far from the truth. ‘Lovely Lou’ Welland, having been apprised of the potential danger by her husband, the techno-savvy ‘Intelligent Ian’, had contacted him about the situation and Ian had taken action. Intervening from a distance, he had prevented the card reader from working, thus saving many lives (or, at least, one).
Ian Welland, yet another ‘Watford Writers’ hero.
But would the killer make another attempt? As those of you who have studied such cases know, psychopaths can never be tamed through charm, only responding to intimidation. Someone had to show this man that Watford Writers themselves could produce alliteration which could only be imagined by the greatest of creatives.
At this moment, another hero of Watford Writers stood up to save the day. ‘I am Brother Brown,’ came the voice. It was Geoff Brown, of course. Turning to his left he signalled to his friend to speak. ‘I am ‘Birthday Boy, Brian Bold’, said Brian.
Vanquished by the ‘alliterative abilities’ of the ‘Watford Writers’, our potential assassin had no choice but to retreat back to ‘Hemel Hempstead’. But will he, one day, achieve his aim of becoming the most ‘alliterated anti-humanitarian’ of all time, the ‘Convicted Credit Card Killer’?